Toujours Pur
by glassfacet
Summary: At different phases of his regrettably short life, Regulus contemplates the Black family motto and what 'forever pure' might actually mean.


_Put out the light and then put out the light._

Othello Act V scene i

The first time Regulus remembers hearing the family motto, he is four. His mother whispers it in his ear as she hugs him before sending him out to play with his brother and cousins while the adults talk. Bellatrix is already hitting Sirius for pulling her hair, and Andromeda is attempting to prevent them from doing too much damage to each other. Narcissa stands just outside of the door, tapping a foot impatiently.

"What does 'toujours pur' mean?" Regulus asks his mother.

"It means, 'forever pure', Regulus," says his mother as she pats him on the head. "Now go play with Cissy."

Being four, Regulus thinks that his mother is trying to tell him not to get his clothes dirty. He suggests that they play the herbology game, where they have to come up with a plant that starts with the first letter of the word before it. Narcissa is fairly good at this game, and as she hates dirt it is something that she is willing to participate in.

They are the cleanest children to come back in. While they are praised for having decorum, the other three are not exactly scolded for being covered in dirt. Regulus is a bit perplexed by this, but somehow, the idea that the family motto refers to being neat and tidy at all times sticks to Regulus.

When he is seven, Bellatrix goes through a phase where the answer to any question she is asked is 'toujours pur'. What does she want for dinner? Toujours pur. She is ten now; is she looking forward to Hogwarts? Toujours pur. What kind of pet does she want? Toujours pur.

Somehow, it seems to Regulus, Bellatrix always gives the right answer. The phase comes to an abrupt end when Andromeda locks her out of their house in a thunderstorm overnight because Bellatrix won't stop chanting the family motto and it's driving her mental. So Bella stops because she hated being soaking wet and tired and hoarse from screaming. Still, the adults give her extra treats, and Regulus knows that it's because Bella knows what the motto means and the rest of the children don't.

The next year, Bella goes off to Hogwarts and is sorted into Slytherin without delay. She is much toasted, and the cries of 'toujous pur' echo up the stairs and keep him and Sirius awake.

"What's so special about her Sorting?" grumbles Sirius. "It's a tradition. All Blacks go to Slytherin. And the ones who don't get disowned, so they don't count."

"I didn't know that," says Regulus.

"Well," says Sirius, "now you do." He leaves Regulus at the top of the stairs and goes to his room. Regulus ponders this, and decides that the family motto means sticking to tradition, and thereby sticking together.

It comes as a shock when Sirius' Sorting results come through. Their mother faints. Their father threatens to storm p to the school and have a word with the headmaster and the board of governors. Regulus is sure that it's a practical joke of some sort.

It's not. Bellatrix and Andromeda send letters saying the same thing, as does the head of Gryffindor house. When the letter from the headmaster comes, it becomes too official. Sirius has broken with tradition, but he hasn't been disowned. Regulus can still say that Sirius is his brother. By mid-November, the shock has worn off a bit and the family prepares for Christmas.

They go to pick up Bellatrix, Andromeda and Sirius at school. Bella is surrounded by other Slytherin students from families that Regulus knows the trees for almost by heart. Andromeda's group of friends are a mixture of mostly Slytherin and Ravenclaw students, but Regulus can tell who's who there too. Sirius steps off the train with a group of Gryffindors, and Regulus can only connect one to a tree he knows well.

"Of course my friends are Gryffindors," scoffs Sirius later when Regulus asks about it. "I'm a Gryffindor, Reg. It would be strange to not be friends with my housemates." Regulus nods.

On Christmas Eve, Regulus can't sleep. Not because he's excited, but because he's had too many sweets and the sugar in his system is keeping his mind in a whirlwind. So he sneaks downstairs to see if there's anything to drink, and in the front hall are Sirius and Bellatrix kissing under the mistletoe. Regulus watches from two flights up as his volatile brother and their equally volatile cousin press themselves against each other like it's something they're used to doing. Regulus can't hear their whispers in the dark, and suddenly doesn't want to as his blood sugar levels plummet and all he wants to do is sleep.

He comes to the conclusion over breakfast the next morning that toujours pur means being one with your house, whatever that means. He's sure that no one else sees what he does between Sirius and Bellatrix, but he doesn't count on that.

His own first year of formal schooling is spent in observation. He makes friends, mostly because he's quiet, he listens, and his family has pure wizarding blood. It's even in the family motto, chortles the potions master. Regulus is disappointed that he didn't see that himself. But in his world, no one other than pure bloods existed up to this point, so how could he have known?

Bella and Andromeda are popular, and Narcissa quickly becomes popular as well. Sirius and his friends rule the school, though. They tease teachers, charm their way out of detentions, and somehow are mostly considered good students. Regulus finds out that Sirius and his best friend James are in the top five in their year; their friend Remus falls into the top twenty. Regulus runs into Remus in the hallways once, and is struck by how tired he seems.

"So you're Sirius' little brother," said Remus. His voice is a bit rough, but friendly. "Regulus, right?"

"Right," stammers Regulus, and inwardly curses himself. He's rewarded with a sweet smile and a clear view of luminous golden eyes.

"Oh good," says Remus. "It would be terribly embarrassing if I was wrong. You might not want to go down this passage at all today. Here are shortcut directions around it."

"Thanks," says Regulus. He takes the paper and follows the directions. He does not share them with anyone else. Most of the rest of his house gets slimed that day. Regulus keeps the paper hidden in a compartment of his trunk. Toujours pur becomes the epithet Regulus attaches to Remus in his mind and prays he never lets slip, even when questioned under Veritaserum.

The summer between Regulus' second and third years is when things blow up between Sirius and Bellatrix. They are fourteen and sixteen, respectively, and they are different people then they were that Christmas Eve a few years ago. Bellatrix wants Sirius to date her openly, to show that the Blacks are a family that sticks together, and to prove that he loves her. Sirius flatly tells her that he's fourteen and very not ready to commit to anything besides a Quidditch team. The family, and the future of the family, can wait. He has time.

Regulus listens to them argue through July about this. As the dog days of August roll in, Sirius says the unthinkable: he does not love Bellatrix anymore. He cannot pretend. Their ideologies are too different. They have no interests in common. What holds them together is the past they share. It's time to move on.

Bellatrix hits him. She breaks his nose and blacks his eye and screams obscenities at him. She is angry, clearly, but Regulus can see that she's heartbroken too. Sirius lets her have her say. They avoid each other for the rest of the summer, and Sirius' face slowly heals in its good time.

"You could have stayed with her," Regulus says out of the blue one evening. Sirius cocks an eyebrow at him.

"No, I couldn't have," says Sirius. "Not when I'm in love with someone else. She's smart, she'd figure it out. And she'd want to know who so she can kill them for stealing from her. It would drive her crazier than she already is. I can't do that to her."

Regulus nods, trying to understand. He goes through Sirius' room while he's out with friends and finds a poem clearly written by Sirius - it's in his handwriting, and Regulus has never seen it before - about Bellatrix. About the love that couldn't stay with them. It is titled "Toujours Pur".

Regulus adds it to his ever-growing mental definition of the phrase.

Keeping their conversation from the summer in mind, Regulus watched Sirius more carefully than ever. Absently, he notes that Bellatrix is dating seventh year Rodolphus Lestrange, someone whose family tree springs to mind when Regulus thinks about it. Sirius is protective of his housemates, especially his friends, and even more specifically Remus. Sirius will not hear anyone insult Remus, whether Remus is present or not, and gets into fights and subsequently into trouble. Regulus watches this for most of the year. It clicks mid-February what's really going on.

Sirius was right about one thing, Regulus thinks blankly as the pieces came together. Bellatrix would kill his new love. Regulus himself is jealous.

Not that he's sure about anything. Sirius seems serious, all things considered. Remus is as hard to read as ever, but Regulus is picking up little things that might speak of reciprocity. Over Easter break, they go home and Sirius frantically writes as soon as they arrive. Owls come and go all night, and Sirius is tired the next day. By which time, Regulus has screwed up all of the courage he can muster and catalogued all of the facts he has collected. And asks.

Sirius isn't really surprised. "I thought you'd figure it out. Hoped, actually. So, your opinion?"

"I'm scared for you," blurts Regulus. "Mum's going to kill you when she finds out. What if she hurts you? Or him? What if she has him deported? What if she makes you marry someone else? What if she kills you?"

"I can handle Mum and anything she does to me," Sirius points out. "And he's tougher than he looks, though I hope to God it won't come to that, Reg. Any of that. But I'm prepared for consequences. And you aren't answering the question."

"You're so lucky," says Regulus. "He's perfect. Like a summer day before it gets too muggy. Be happy, Sirius. Be excellent to each other. Or it won't be Bellatrix hunting you down."

Sirius laughs. "Glad you approve, Reg. Maybe it won't go to shit this time."

Of course, it almost immediately goes to shit. Sirius spends half the summer with his friends, sleeping over at their houses and going all over the place. Regulus stays with the family and helps with the planning for Bellatrix's wedding, which will be a year from September. She wants to wear silver, like the star she is named for, and put her sisters in spring green. Regulus suggests a wedding in the Lake District, because it's beautiful there and the Blacks own a house that can be a gift to the newlyweds.

The time not spent on Bellatrix's wedding is spent listening to his mother shriek about Sirius' lack of correspondence, so she sends him a Howler. Regulus gets regular post from Sirius, complete with annotations from Remus, with remarks from James and Peter from time to time. Sirius is fifteen and in love and their mother doesn't need to know that. Regulus commits the letters to memory and burns them. Sirius replies to their mother's Howler with a Howler of his own. It's polite and thoughtful, but still a Howler.

The following school year sees Sirius nearly get expelled and arrested. He moves out the following summer. Regulus never finds out the details of the incident at school, but knows it had something to do with Remus, Snape and a particularly violent tree. As for the latter, Regulus knows it's because he wants the freedom to be himself and to heal a bit inside. Sirius has always been a bit visibly mad; clearly the madness is getting out of his control and needs a calmer environment to settle down.

The madhouse on Grimmauld Place gets madder and more oppressive. School is a relief for Regulus. He can no longer talk to Sirius, who has been disowned. Nor can he talk to Andromeda, once Christmas break is over, because she ran away with a Muggleborn Hufflepuff and got married on New Year's Day. But he sees that they're happy, and that's enough for him. They've escaped the trap. Two of five aren't bad odds.

Toujours pur, he thinks to them whenever he sees them in the halls. Forever pure, forever good. Let them have that. Please.

He can't consider himself pure. The twisting black snake on his arm says he is not. The serpent that tightens around his heart when he spots his various relatives and their significant others tells him that he is not. In his dreams, he watches his brother love sometimes Bella, sometimes Remus, sometimes both in a tangle of limbs that leaves him sweating and shaking and filthy when he wakes up and he knows he is far from pure. But his parents toast him so, still: "Toujours pur!"

When he finds out that Sirius is part of the Light movement, he begins slipping pieces of information to him as discretely as he can. It's all he can do to protect the people Sirius calls family. Bella is on a rampage, goaded on by family and the man she calls Master. Under it, Remus can see her broken heart still bleeding for Sirius. Because by now, she knows and it kills her. So she shares her pain with the world.

And now, Regulus is almost twenty. He sits in a small boat on an eerie underground lake that is filled with corpses with only Kreacher for company. And he thinks about the family motto again, the one that is engraved into the ring on his right hand. He reviews his definition, the one painstakingly put together over the years.

It has nothing to do with physical cleanliness. The Death Eaters were living proof of that. Always well groomed, well dressed, well mannered in each others' company. But the title of forever pure didn't stick to them or ring true, for all they lacked the mud of the streets. Nor did their lineages make them pure.

"The House of Black gets filthier every day," Regulus murmurs to himself, repeating Sirius' favourite snide comment about the family.

It is not love. The death and destruction left in the wake of Bellatrix's thwarted love defies comprehension. The sickening happiness of those couples like the Potters and the Tonks' leaves him feeling hollow. His mother's mad love nearly consumed both of her sons. Regulus' own loves are nearly overwhelming to think about, and at this point if he does he'll lose all resolve he might have. But he blew a kiss to the Dog Star before he entered the cave. Love, for Regulus, has always carried some form of taint.

Which leaves him with this one act. Regulus can no longer be a Death Eater, a Black, the perfect son. The island in the centre of the lake is feet away, and soon he will step out of the boat and make his own contribution to the end of the madness that is sweeping through England. Just as Sirius had his blowup and disowning, and Andromeda had her runaway marriage, Regulus is stealing a piece of a maniac's soul in the hope that his life will mean something. That he will have value in his own eyes as he faces his death.

The goblet he conjures is like nothing he has seen before. It is beautiful, a creation of glass so pure that it looks like diamond. Kreacher receives his instructions with the saddest eyes, but bows and accepts them anyway. Regulus dips the goblet into the basin of potion and lifts it in a toast to the moon and stars he cannot see.

He whispers, "Toujours pur."

And drinks.


End file.
